Shouting Into a Hurricane
by rachg82
Summary: Happily-ever-after sometimes comes with a detour. (Speculation based on spoilers/promos for the upcoming revival)


_xxx_

 _Jan. 27th, 2016_

"Check it out, Scully. You actually have a desk now.  
Think we should christen it?"  
Mulder's voice was flat, embittered -  
a mere echo of the playfully sardonic man she once knew.

He'd changed, his spirit dimmed.  
Then again, she'd changed too.

(She kept telling herself it was for the best, the way things were,  
but those words were beginning to feel fruitless & absurd,  
like shouting into a hurricane.  
His presence in her life had always been a force of nature.)

Still, she arched a single brow at him, outwardly impassive -  
a professional stoic with decades of experience.  
 _Too soon, Mulder._

Truthfully, she'd been hopelessly adrift  
ever since she first saw his familiar, damnably beloved face  
several days earlier.  
Her heart had contracted violently as if it might burst,  
leaping excitedly, yet anxiously out of her chest.

When she met his eyes, it had felt an awful lot like falling.  
Down, down, down -  
past the floating clocks & their suspended time,  
landing solidly in Wonderland.

He'd looked homesick & desperate more than anything else,  
pleading his case to her with measured breaths & a heady gaze -  
all the planets in the solar system  
aligning beside them;  
distant, fading stars genuflecting in their wake.

She hadn't forgotten how it felt  
to be on the receiving end of his laser-like focus.  
The rest of the world disappeared.  
It was part of what drew her to him in the first place  
& part of what eventually drove her away.  
It's why she already knew she couldn't deny him again.

It had been so long, in reality, but suddenly  
it felt like no time at all had passed.  
That said, she wasn't going to let him throw her off even further.

They weren't there yet.

But they were on their way, weren't they?  
(Well, weren't they?)

...She didn't know how to answer that question.

xxx

 _Dec. 22nd, 2012_

"The world didn't end."

Mulder spun around slowly in his chair to face her, his expression grim -  
a would-be Spartan with blazing eyes,  
waging a quixotic kamikaze campaign as only he could.

 _When was the last time he'd even shaved?_

"That's what they want you to think, Scully."  
She could see his jaw clenching, his throat working each word out  
with frustrated purpose.

"They want the public complacent & distracted.  
More than ever, I need you to trust me on this: the end has only just begun.  
We can't afford to let them pull the wool over our eyes here.  
There's not enough time."

She shook her head, lovesick & weary beyond measure.  
She felt like they'd had this same conversation so many times now;  
it was like that bank explosion all over again.  
But she had to give it one more shot. Maybe if she just...

Scully took one step closer & felt the chasm between them expand.

"Time for what, Mulder? To save the world?  
You're not Atlas; you're not God. Look at yourself.  
Do you really think we have that type of omnipotent power anymore,  
after everything that's happened? After all we've been through?  
Why can't today be enough? Why can't this, us, be enough?  
For years now we've been doggedly chasing the unknown,  
the past or the future; what about the present?  
It's passing you by-it's passing *me* by-and you don't even notice."

She sighed, waving a hand halfheartedly in the air  
like a shrug that had lost all will to go on,  
soft eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"I'm drowning in the darkness, Mulder. I can't see my way to the shore anymore.  
What kind of life are you hoping to save for yourself? For me? For _us_?"

He remained silent for a moment,  
trying to locate the hidden words that would somehow make it all right.  
He couldn't. "You're acting as if I have a fair choice. That it's you or the truth."

"But you do have a choice, Mulder, and you're making the wrong one.  
I can't do this anymore. Can you?"

"What exactly are you saying?"

She drew in a hitched breath,  
trying & failing to maintain some semblance of emotional equilibrium.  
It felt as if the room were contorting into itself, walls closing in on them both.

"I'm saying I think we need some time apart."

There it was - no turning back. Mulder closed his eyes for several seconds,  
then finally spoke. "And here I thought you said the world hadn't ended."

xxx

 _July 7th, 2008_

Despite Scully's weak protests ( _how could she deny him anything in that suit?_ ),  
Mulder had made a big production  
out of carrying her over the threshold.

"Mulderrr," she'd insisted; "you'll throw out your back!"

He gave her an affectionate wink. "It's tradition, Scully.  
Also, you weigh about a buck-ten.  
I could bench-press you with my left pinky if I wanted to."

She feigned a frown, quite accustomed to playing this particular game.  
(I wasn't sure your little feet could reach the pedals...)  
"You're ridiculous."

He leaned down for a lingering kiss before lowering her to the ground.  
"Your face is ridiculous," he rejoined. She rolled her eyes.

Fake annoyance aside, this banter was a welcome reprieve  
from the teeth-grinding tension they'd been experiencing more & more as of late.

They'd struggled to remain on the same page during the case itself,  
but afterward they'd somehow felt closer than ever before.

No more fake names,  
no more hiding.

They were back  
as Mulder & Scully  
and could sing it from the mountaintops  
if they so desired.

Not that she would,  
obviously;  
she couldn't carry a tune to save her life.

But she felt freer than she had in years.

It was with this mindset that she admitted to Mulder  
in bed, one night,  
that she didn't want to stop calling him her husband.

It had been a marriage on paper only,  
technically speaking,  
but the truth went beyond that.

They'd discussed the idea very maturely,  
listing all the pros & cons of a legal union,  
but in the end,  
pure devotion won out.

Not the kind that never goes to bed angry,  
but the kind that still remains in full force  
after a week spent sleeping on the couch.

They'd both stopped trying to quantify their feelings years ago.  
They were soul-mates,  
through & through.  
It was as simple  
and complex as that.

It wasn't a well-planned ordeal.  
Scully insisted in her typical rational way  
that City Hall would more than suffice.

Her rebellious nature took over when it came time to pick a dress though -  
pale blue to match her eyes,  
but she did carry a bouquet of white flowers as a proper nod  
to decorum.

Her mother would expect pictures, after all.

She remembered how grateful he'd looked,  
like he'd been wandering in the desert for a lifetime,  
and she'd stopped to offer him a glass of water.

"You realize you're mine now," he'd informed her afterward,  
his full bottom lip curled into a smirk.

"That's very territorial of you," she'd observed,  
eyes lowered coyly & hands  
playing possessively with his tie.

His smirk widened. "Well, that's nothing new. Anyway, it's only fair.  
I've belonged to you ever since I read that crazy Einstein thesis of yours.  
You might as well have stamped 'Property of Dana Scully' on my ass."

At this she looked up.  
"My thesis was *not* crazy."

Everything had seemed so easy then.

Their spirits were lit like two candles burning bright,  
casting out the darkness.

Someone should have warned her  
that happy endings don't necessarily  
last forever  
or make their way across a shared journey  
without any detours.

Soul-mates or not,  
their love was much more complicated  
than a fairy tale.

xxx

 _Jan. 20th, 2016_

Scully's left hand shifted restlessly on the steering wheel;  
she could feel Mulder's eyes sliding back & forth  
between her delicate wedding ring & the dark road in front of them,  
his intense gaze boring a hole in the side of her face.

He hadn't removed his ring either.  
It had been one of the first things she'd noticed  
upon seeing him again.

Not that she'd been looking.

They'd been separated for three years now,  
but neither had possessed the ability  
to even consider filing for divorce.

She tried not to look at that too deeply;  
it meant too much  
and carried far too much  
heavy weight.

She couldn't risk sinking into the ocean with him again,  
not after all the time it had taken her  
to reach the surface.

(Could she?)

She may only have been treading water without him,  
aimless in her direction except when moving slowly  
towards an aching, hollow  
horizon,  
but at least she felt like she could breathe.

It was a sense of safety that smothered her inner fire  
and stripped her days of all highs & lows,  
but there was a traitorous feeling of peace  
which numbness could provide.

And there was healing to be had;  
that fact could not be overstated.

Somewhere along the way, she'd lost her capability  
to exist outside of his emotions -  
to step outside the maelstrom  
of her own trauma & grief.

Once on her own, back in D.C.,  
she'd rediscovered the precise way the light fell on her face  
when she stopped fighting the future  
& reliving the past,  
and allowed herself the luxury  
of breathing in the moment.

Sometimes, the present  
could be a gift.

How had she forgotten?

It wasn't what she wanted,  
no,  
but it is  
what she needed.

Anyway, analyzing their convoluted relationship could sometimes feel  
like staring wide-eyed into the sun -  
majestic, but blinding.

Perhaps it was best to simply let sleeping dogs lie.

 _These were the things she would tell herself._

(Her heart knew better, of course.  
It was well-versed in playing the long game.  
It worked covertly  
like a secret agent,  
planting seeds of truth amongst tangled vines  
of overgrown doubt and  
miscommunication.)

It's not that she doubted her love for him,  
nor his for her.

That would be more outlandish  
than if she were to agree to pose nude  
with the real-life Bigfoot.

It was more so that she didn't know anymore  
how to erase the towering wall  
that had been drawn between them.

It had grown insidiously,  
inch by inch,  
as she'd watched her husband  
dive deeper & faster into the government's  
black sea of lies.

He'd tried to put it all in the past.  
He really had.

But they'd taken his sister.  
They'd taken his father.  
They'd taken his son.

They'd taken their lives.

He couldn't quit now;  
he couldn't let go,  
not even for a second.  
If he did,  
it would all be meaningless.

They would win.  
The men who'd violated his wife,  
who'd shot her sister,  
who'd buried him  
six feet  
beneath the dirt.

He couldn't let that happen again.  
Not to them,  
not to anyone.

But it came at a cost.  
His eyes began to lose their spark;  
his words grew acerbic & morose,  
his affect obsessive & oblivious.

He knew he was slowly losing  
the one person he needed most,  
and he couldn't force himself  
to do anything about it.

How could he ever look his son in the eyes  
if he one day did find him  
standing atop the wreckage of all their broken dreams,  
and explain why he'd given up  
& surrendered  
his child's unwritten future for a few years' worth  
of domestic bliss?

He was still his father.  
It was still his job  
to protect him.

Scully knew all this,  
but she also knew in her gut,  
and believed in her heart,  
that the game he was playing  
had been rigged from the start.

She no longer had the reserves of strength  
to trudge alongside him through endless puddles of muddy quicksand;  
to play the eager, non-jaded Watson to his bitter Sherlock -  
not when the effort seemed hopeless in every way.

She'd noticed his deepening signs of depression,  
but she couldn't lift him out of that hole, as hard as she tried;  
unbearably,  
she'd been hanging off the side of her very own cliff.

Both were dangling above an abyss.

This time,  
she couldn't save him.  
She had to save herself.

She never did say goodbye.

Neither greetings nor fare thee wells  
had ever really been their thing.

It had always been _Mulder, it's me_  
or the gentle click of a steady line hanging up  
on the other end.

She didn't want it to be goodbye in the first place;  
she wanted it to be, _"I'll see you later."_

She couldn't bear the thought  
that this separation would be for good.  
As far as she could see, there was nothing good to be said about it.

And so, when she'd left,  
only two days before Christmas,  
she'd merely locked eyes with him  
and let her face do the talking.

So much was left unsaid.

She remembered how he'd sat on the edge of their bed,  
back hunched over in the shape of a parabola,  
his devastated face buried miserably in his hands.

He'd somehow sensed her approach from behind  
and lifted her final suitcase to hand it over  
without looking up,  
a consummate gentleman.

"I hope you find what you're looking for," he'd murmured.

She'd swallowed her tears one by one,  
replying, "You too."  
It was the most she could manage.

He finally made eye contact then, irises stormy & gray,  
his voice strong & reassuring  
despite the fact  
that his entire known world was crashing down around their ears.  
"That door will always be open to you -  
you know that, right?"

Scully nodded. "I can't make any promises, but..."

She trailed off, unable to go on.  
Her feelings refused to be boxed in by sentences & punctuation marks.  
They drifted around the room, instead,  
stopping at the bed, the lamp, the nightstand -  
all their shared spaces,  
now subtracted by one.

He was so, so angry  
when it came right down to it-  
at her, at himself, at the universe-  
but it was an impotent rage.  
He understood why she was leaving;  
he couldn't truly blame her.

He'd already forgiven her,  
as frustrated & heartbroken as he was.

It's what the most insecure part of him had expected  
from the very beginning.

And so before she'd departed,  
he'd opened his arms to her in a long embrace,  
silently letting her know  
that she could in fact always go home again.

It's just that her home  
and his  
weren't the same thing  
anymore.

He had no way of knowing  
if they ever would be again.

It took him weeks after she left  
to so much as step one foot in the shower -  
months before he gave in & removed the barren pine tree  
from their former living room.

There wasn't much living to be found  
in that room anymore.

They say life goes on,  
but his never really did.

(How to floss  
and do normal things  
when nothing whatsoever was normal?)

He dutifully went through the motions, determined to carry on,  
but inside he felt like a wind-up toy  
marching back & forth upon a dusty shelf,  
abandoned & obsolete.

New wrinkles seemed to appear around his mouth  
every time he caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror.  
He tried not to look, but there they were:  
frown lines reminding him all too well  
that he had nothing to smile about.

Each night,  
the vacant pillow next to his  
haunted him, questioned him.  
Was he on the right path, after all?

Did it even matter anymore?

His arms still reached for her, ached for her,  
every morning -  
the rising arc of the sun doing a fine imitation  
of the gentle, warm curve  
of her conspicuously absent hip.

Now here she was again,  
sitting next to him in a car like she'd never left,  
driving into the unforeseen - always driving,  
as she'd once complained,  
past the twinkling lights of the murky multitude  
of tired souls coming home to their loved ones,  
unaware of the dangers lurking all around them.

The matter at hand was deceptively difficult:  
how to put Humpty Dumpty back together again?

They'd always relied on a certain unspoken communication,  
but now that fact was biting them in the ass.

There were so many things  
that needed to be said,  
but he had no clue where to begin.

 _"I've missed you. I need you.  
I'm sorry I stopped taking the time  
to see you  
as you really were,"_  
seemed woefully inadequate.

She was still so painfully beautiful,  
a seamless sculpture of porcelain and steel.

Thinner now, yes,  
but still soft at the edges -  
crisp & regal, yet hot & vulnerable at the core.

He couldn't stop staring. _That mouth of hers..._  
Jesus. The things she still did to him  
after all these years.

He was afraid if he blinked, she might disappear.

He knew her heart still trembled when he stepped too close.  
His own felt not unlike an ancient engine  
sputtering back to life.

It was as if he'd come back from the dead all over again.  
He'd been alone for so long.  
He had to actually work  
at approximating the correct facial expressions  
and mannerisms of a casual social being.

Nothing felt casual anymore.

He'd felt frozen to the touch since the day she left,  
his passion running on icy tracks,  
now rapidly melting in the powerful glow  
of her petite presence.

He couldn't run fast enough to escape the rushing floodwater  
she'd unleashed.

(He was gonna need a bigger boat.)

xxx

 _Feb. 3rd, 2016_

Scully hesitated at the front door to their office.  
Mulder was standing with his back to her,  
facing the new poster she'd left hanging on the wall for him.

 _I Want To Believe_

She cleared her throat, gently announcing her arrival,  
and he quickly turned around,  
offering a shy, sheepish smile.

"I can't believe you found one of these still floating around out there for sale."

She stepped further into the room,  
sensing an invisible force guiding them together  
as if their bodies were composed of two opposing magnetic poles.

(She should've known they were inevitable - they always had been.  
The laws of physics never lie.)

"I have my ways," she replied, enigmatically.

He sucked in his lower lip, biting it briefly  
before releasing it with a sigh.

It sounded like he'd been holding that breath in for years.  
Maybe he had.

"You still sure about this, Scully?"

She tilted her head to one side, questioningly.  
"Are you ever going to stop asking me that?"

He shook his head in the negative & laughed.  
It was a gorgeous sound after the week they'd had -  
hell, the past three hundred weeks.

"Probably not for a while, no." He paused, then continued.  
"You know, even once you were my wife, I actually missed calling you my partner."

She took his hand, now standing merely an arm's length apart.  
"I'll always be your partner."

She had her answer.

(They were on their way)

xxx

 _Feb. 1st, 2016_

Scully had known it was bad news  
before she even picked up the phone.

No one called at 3 a.m. for small talk.

Some stranger had knocked her frail, elderly mother's head in,  
and she'd been brought to the ICU for observation.

Undoubtedly, the assault had been anything but random.  
 _This was her fault_.  
This was the price one paid for uncovering truths  
that the rich & powerful had already laid claim to.

She'd never seen her mom look so small as she did now,  
lying in that enormous, sterile bed with tangled cords & a gaping gown  
that was at least two sizes too big.

It took her eight hours to first open her eyes,  
and from that point on, she weaved in & out of consciousness  
unpredictably & at inopportune times - sometimes for an hour,  
sometimes for five minutes,  
sometimes fading away without a hint of warning  
& leaving her daughter talking reassuringly to herself.

She was going to be okay;  
Scully knew that, but that didn't  
make it  
okay.

Was all this really worth it?  
Was she making a mistake  
taking Mulder's side once more?

It didn't feel like a mistake,  
but here they were, regardless.

She'd told Mulder that she didn't feel  
as though they had a choice anymore  
whether to bury their heads in the sand,  
but hadn't she once been convinced of the exact opposite?

Was she just making excuses?

If it wasn't her mom,  
would it simply be somebody else lying in that bed?  
Some other victim without a voice?

Maybe trying to avoid pain  
would only invite more of it.

Lost in thought, she failed to notice her mom's eyes opening again  
until she felt her soft, weathered hand tightly gripping her own.

"Dana," her mom mumbled. "You're still here? Where's Fox?"

She gripped her hand back, clasping it between both of her own;  
she could have lost her -  
the woman who'd raised her, cared for her,  
who always kept the lights on for her.

It was inconceivable that the Earth should continue to orbit  
without her standing somewhere on it.

"I told him to go get some sleep," she answered.

Maggie gave her an inquisitive look, her bleary eyes suddenly clear as day.  
"And what about you? Don't you need sleep?"

Scully found herself staring down at their joined fingers. "I'm fine."  
It might as well be her motto in life:  
forever fine.

There weren't many people who could successfully crack that facade.  
Mulder was one of them,  
her mother another.

"You should've gone with him."

She was right, but it wasn't that simple. How could she explain?  
She decided to go with the obvious route -  
denial.

"We aren't together anymore, Mom. You know that."

There was that face again. "Aren't you though?  
I didn't see any other men at the foot of my bed today,  
bringing you coffee & reminding you to eat.  
I have eyes, Dana. I can see the way you two still look at one another,  
especially when you think the other isn't paying attention."

Scully brushed a stray hair behind her ear, feeling oddly self-conscious.  
"I asked him here as a friend."

Her mother scoffed, not unkindly.  
"If you two are just friends, then Bill Jr.  
is the next president of the United States of America.  
He'd better call Hillary and let her know."

She exhaled on a laugh. "He would like that, wouldn't he?  
His first order of business would be sending Mulder straight to Gitmo."

Making jokes was always a good way to change the subject,  
but her mother wasn't taking the bait.

"Don't you think it's been enough time, Dana? He loves you,  
and I know you love him."

She withdrew her hands, wiping them on her slacks, restless & agitated.  
(When had her palms started sweating?)

Her head leaned back of its own accord,  
eyes drifting briefly to the ceiling,  
not sure who she was really talking to anymore.  
"Of course I do. I never stopped loving him.  
The question is, is that enough?"

In their time apart, Scully had learned again  
how to crawl, how to walk.  
She'd regained her balance  
and found her way back to the middle -  
back to who she was at the root,  
stable in the stillness  
of an anchored soul  
whether the wind tossed her to  
or fro.

All that was true.  
But what she didn't know  
was whether she could still safely cross the high-wires  
that loving Mulder entailed.

Working together was one thing.  
Living together, loving together, & learning  
the nooks & crannies of each others lives all over again  
was another.

Her mother gave her an understanding smile,  
wan but wise. She too had traversed her own detours in life.  
She knew from hard-won experience  
that any relationship worth its while  
involved far more than a direct route from point A to point B.

"Well, you can't find out unless you try."

That morning, when Scully had gotten the call,  
her husband had been the first person whose voice she wanted to hear.  
The only person she wanted to see.

Surely, that still had to count for something,  
maybe everything.

Ridiculously, sitting there next to her injured mother,  
Scully suddenly found herself frantically wanting to touch  
her long-lost lover -  
to kiss him and hold him,  
to remind them both of what they used to be  
and, miraculously,  
what she realized with a start  
they could still become.

It seemed so obvious in retrospect,  
but she knew she wouldn't have been ready for this revelation  
any sooner.

Now, it was as if her body had been waiting for permission  
to feel,  
and all bets were off -  
bonfires of raw desire being set alight  
across dozens of reawakened nerve endings.

Decisively, she stood up, leaned over  
and gave her mom's forehead a short, grateful kiss.

"I've got to go."

xxx

 _Feb. 1st, 2016_

Mulder sat in his hotel room, distractedly  
flipping through the channels on the room's lone TV.

His mind was still back at the hospital,  
wondering how his partner,  
his wife,  
was handling the latest in the string of crises  
he'd brought into her life.

He knew it was her choice  
whether to join his crusade once again,  
but he couldn't help feeling responsible  
for the consequences of her decision.

Maybe he never should've come back here.

He also knew, however,  
that these self-pitying thoughts of martyrdom  
meant nothing when faced with the reality  
of seeing Dana Scully again -  
smelling her,  
holding her,  
hearing her voice.

He couldn't get that out of his head,  
the fact that she'd let him hold her,  
standing together in a long, white hallway  
outside her mother's room.

Her head still fit just right  
tucked beneath his chin.

Their bodies seemed so incongruous when viewed apart,  
but they fit together like interlocking puzzle pieces.

Simply put, they were meant to be.  
He knew this to be true,  
and yet  
there was still this looming silence  
that stretched between them now.

It felt like riding a bicycle again,  
but one without handlebars.

Long looks & crowded mouths -  
too many words to narrow them all down.  
He could imagine the stubborn letters colliding into one another  
and ricocheting away,  
taking with them all courage to act.

He'd wanted to kiss her  
so many times  
since that first reunion,  
but it had to be her move first.

She'd been the one who left;  
he'd never closed the door behind her.

It remained wide open.

Pondering this, Mulder almost didn't notice  
the knock at his actual door until it was too late.  
Scully was already half a step away from fleeing the scene,  
her heightened emotions triggering an eruption of insecurity.

She was sure of what she was doing,  
but not the how  
or when.

Fortunately, he saved them both  
by appearing at her feet mid-flight.

For several moments, she merely stood there, staring,  
lips parted, struggling to articulate anything & everything  
all at once.

"Scully? Is everything okay?"

And just like that, the ice was broken.  
She grasped his face in her hands,  
leaning up-up-up on her toes,  
and kissed him again & again.

Once for every day they'd spent apart.  
Twice for every night they'd slept alone.

Three for each of the words they now realized  
they didn't need to say.

(I love you)

(I missed you)

(Come on back)

The words could wait.

Now was for bodies colliding,  
hands stroking,  
and hearts beating.

It had been a long, dark turn in the road,  
but they were, at last, homeward bound.

Later,  
they would watch the sun rise in the east -  
the start of a new day,  
facing the dawn  
together as one.

Their horizon was plain to see.

xxx

 **Fin**


End file.
